ARF'S YEAR IN REVIEW

THIS WILL PROBABLY BE MORE THAN 140 CHARACTERS, SO HERE GOES NOTHING.

THE FIRST SIX MONTHS OF THE YEAR, I REALLY DIDN'T EXIST, EXCEPT FOR MY OTHER TWITTER. YES, I HAVE ANOTHER TWITTER THAT NO ONE, WELL MAYBE A COUPLE, KNOW ABOUT. IT WAS THE DARLINGTON RACE THAT I KIND OF GOT MY FIRST TASTE OF HOW COOL TWITTER COULD BE. DALE JR DID HIS "CAPTION THIS" THING, SO I SENT ONE. A COUPLE HOURS LATER, I CHECKED MY TWITTER. I THOUGHT IT WAS WEIRD TO HAVE OVER 20 NOTIFICATIONS. SO AS I SCROLLED THROUGH THEM, I REALIZED MY CAPTION WAS PICKED TO WIN. I WON A DALE JR AUTOGRAPHED SHIRT (WHICH I STILL HAVE AND IT'S IN THE PACKAGE IT WAS SHIPPED IN. THE SHIRT FITS, BTW).

SOME TIME WENT BY BEFORE I WANTED TO CREATE A SEPARATE, OBNOXIOUS, RACING-THEMED TWITTER ACCOUNT. AFTER SOME BRAINSTORMING, I ENDED UP WITH ANNOYING RACE FAN. IT WAS AVAILABLE, I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT. I CREATED IT ON MAY 31ST. THE FIRST COUPLE WEEKS WERE ROUGH. IT'S LIKE I WAS TALKING TO MYSELF. THEN, ONE NIGHT IN EARLY JUNE, I ENDED UP TALKING TO NASCAR WONKA. WE WERE BOTH WATCHING THE GODFATHER. HIS INTEREST IN THE MOVIE PARALLELED MINE. I'M SURE HE THOUGHT, "HUH, THIS ANNOYING RACE FAN GUY IS PRETTY AWESOME. I SHOULD FOLLOW HIM."

NOT LONG AFTER WONKA AND I BONDED OVER THE CORLEONE FAMILY, I GOT FOLLOWED BY CASM, CONE, AND MINI. I SAID TO MYSELF, "SELF, IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?" TO GET A VOTE OF CONFIDENCE FROM NASCARCASM WAS AWESOME. TO GET A SHOUTOUT FROM CONE WAS COOL. TO HAVE THE MINI CHAD SAY, "WELCOME TO TEAM MINI CHAD" WAS NEATO.

AFTER A MONTH OR SO, I HAD ABOUT 200 FOLLOWERS. THAT EXCEEDED MY EXPECTATIONS. EACH WEEK, I PICKED UP ABOUT 100 NEW FOLLOWERS. I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT. TO QUOTE TREVOR BAYNE, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" IT'S HOW I FELT, YOU GUYS.

I AM ENDING THE YEAR (SEVEN MONTHS) WITH JUST OVER 2,500 FOLLOWERS. NOT A BAD WAY TO START THIS THING OUT. ALMOST 17,000 TWEETS, TOO. THAT'S A LOT. SOMETHING I'M NOT VERY PROUD OF. THE LOWLIGHT OF MY TWITTER EXISTENCE WAS WHEN I ASKED (FOR A FRIEND) IF SHE WAS MARRIED. IT DIDN'T GO ACCORDING TO PLAN. SHE PUT ME TO SHAME. I'M GLAD IT HAPPENED EARLY ON AND NOT MORE RECENT. MY HIGHLIGHTS ARE PROBABLY THE TOP FIVE AND THE CHIPOTLE BURRITO I HAD YESTERDAY.

I HAVE TO DECIDE WHAT RACES I WANT TO GO TO IN 2015. ELDORA IS CONFIRMED. MICHIGAN IS 87% CERTAIN, THOUGH I JUST HAVE TO BUY A TICKET. IF ANYONE WANTS TO GIVE ME A FREE TICKET AND ROOM & BOARD FOR A RACE, I'LL BE GAME.

GETTING TO KNOW YOU GUYS HAS PROBABLY BEEN MY BIGGEST HIGHLIGHT. EVEN THOUGH I'M SLIGHTLY ANNOYING AND TYPE IN ALL CAPS, YOU GUYS SEEM TO STICK AROUND. THAT'S PRETTY COOL. SOME OF YOU KNOW ME BETTER THAN OTHERS, BUT HOPEFULLY I GET TO MEET ALL OF YOU ONE DAY. I CAN'T THANK YINZ (Y'ALL) ENOUGH.

2014 ARFY TWITTER AWARDS

LIVE FROM THE WALDARF ARFSTORIA, IT'S THE 2014 ARFY TWITTER AWARDS

ARFY ROOKIE OF THE YEAR: ANNOYING RACE FAN (LOTS OF PEOPLE TOLD ME THIS, SO I GAVE IT TO MYSELF)

THE "THEIR STUFF IS ALWAYS FUNNY" AWARD: CITIZEN KBA

TWITTER NASCAR JOURNALIST OF THE YEAR: JEFF GLUCK (NOT JEFF GLUCK 2, THE NON-NASCAR ACCOUNT)

BEST REDUNDANT JOKE: THE ORANGE CONE FOR HIS TRANNY/TRANSMISSION JOKE

BEST COMMERCIAL DURING NASCAR RACES: THE KID ROCK/CHEVROLET "BOOOOORN FREEEEE" COMMERCIAL

BEST USE OF PHOTOSHOP FOR NASCAR STUFF: NASCARCASM (NASCARCASM ALSO WINS THE AWARD FOR MAKING THE MOST PEOPLE USE THE CRYING LAUGHING EMOJI AND THE AWARD FOR BEST USE OF A CARDBOARD FACE)

THE ARFY HUMANITARIAN AWARD: THE GREEN FLAG

THE "THAT TWEET CAME OUT OF NOWHERE BUT IT WAS HILARIOUS" AWARD: NASCAR WONKA (NASCAR WONKA ALSO WINS THE AWARD FOR DIRECTOR OF INSPECTIONS)

TWEET OF THE YEAR: THE MINI CHAD FOR HIS TMZ SPORTS/NASCAR SUSPENSIONS TWEET (THAT ONE STILL GETS ME)

THE "WTF, REALLY?" AWARD: THE FENCE CLIMBER GUY AT RICHMOND (HONORABLE MENTION GOES TO THE SQUIRREL/CAT AT ATLANTA)

THE NASCAR OFFSEASON DISORDER (NOD) AWARENESS AWARD: MY TWITTER FOLLOWERS FOR HELPING SPREAD THE WORD ABOUT NOD

THE "HE REALLY GOT THOSE HASHTAGS TRENDING DURING THE WEEK" AWARD: THE ORANGE CONE

THE "BEST FOOD" AWARD: DEVILED EGGS/PUMPKIN PIE (TIE)

THE "BEST ACCOUNT NAMED NASCAR MEMES" AWARD: NASCAR MEMES

THE "BEST PARODY ACCOUNT OF A DRIVER'S TEMPER" AWARD: KURT'S TEMPER

FIGHT OF THE YEAR: THE NOVEMBER TEXAS RACE

RACE OF THE YEAR: HOMESTEAD-MIAMI

BEST EMPIRE: P MENARD EMPIRE

THE "THAT WAS A PRETTY COOL MOMENT" AWARD: AJ ALLMENDINGER WINNING AT WATKINS GLEN/DALE JR WINNING AT MARTINSVILLE (TIE)

THE "IF YOU ARGUE WITH HIM, YOU'LL LOSE" AWARD: THE ORANGE CONE

THE "GRAPE TIC TACS ARE GOOD" AWARD: JON WOOD

BEST HAIR: ANNOYING RACE FAN (HONORABLE MENTION GOES TO RYAN EVERSLEY AND LANDON CASSILL)


AND THE AWARD FOR BEST TWITTERER IS...

NASCAR OFFSEASON DISORDER: THE FAQ'S

ALL ABOUT NOD


WHAT IS #NOD, OR NASCAR OFFSEASON DISORDER?
IT IS A LACK OF NASCAR ON TV. NO OTHER DESCRIPTION IS NECESSARY.

WHAT ARE THE SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS OF NOD?
- INCOHERENT TWEETS WITH THE HASHTAG OF NASCAR
- SCROLLING THROUGH THE TV CHANNELS TO HOPEFULLY FIND SOME NASCAR
- DOING DAILY TASKS THAT INADVERTENTLY MIMIC NASCAR RACES (i.e. "GETTING THE GROCERIES 500")
- WEARING A FULL-FACE HELMET TO USE THE BATHROOM
- INSTALLING A WINDOW NET IN YOUR TOYOTA COROLLA
- IT MUST BE NOTED THAT NOD MAY ALSO MIMIC REAL-LIFE ILLNESS SYMPTOMS. (STAYING IN BED, CRYING, UNCONTROLLABLE SHAKES, FEVER)

WHAT CAUSES NOD?
THE NASCAR SEASON ENDS IN NOVEMBER AND DOES NOT BEGIN UNTIL FEBRUARY. THAT IS BASICALLY THREE MONTHS OF NO NASCAR. FANS OF NASCAR HAVE NOTHING TO DO. THEY ARE BASICALLY LEFT WITH A VOID IN THEIR LIVES. THE HOLIDAY SEASON (THANKSGIVING, CHRISTMAS, NEW YEAR'S) IS A TEMPORARY FIX TO AN OTHERWISE LONG OFFSEASON.

WHO CAN DIAGNOSE NOD?
ONLY CERTIFIED NODISTICIANS CAN DIAGNOSE NOD. AT THE FOREFRONT, ANNOYING RACE FAN (ARF) IS ONE THAT CAN DIAGNOSE CASES OF NOD.

ARE THERE ANY CURES FOR NOD?
AT THIS TIME, THERE ARE NO KNOWN CURES FOR NOD. READING ABOUT NASCAR THROUGH THE MEDIA AND SOCIAL MEDIA CAN TEMPORARILY RELIEVE NOD. WATCHING OLD NASCAR RACES VIA YOUTUBE MAY ALSO HELP ON A TEMPORARY BASIS. ONLY HAVING A NEW NASCAR SEASON CAN FIX NOD ON A LONG-TERM BASIS.

ARE THERE NOD SUPPORT GROUPS?
YES. TWITTER IS A GREAT SUPPORT GROUP FOR THOSE SUFFERING FROM NOD. PLEASE VISIT HTTP://WWW.TWITTER.COM TO LEARN MORE.

ARF PREDICTS: FORD ECOBOOST 400

400 MILES, 267 LAPS

I PREDICT THAT:

- THE FIRST CAUTION WILL HAPPEN AT LAP 47 (AMBROSE HITS THE WALL. LEAVES FOR AUSTRALIA A BIT EARLIER THAN EXPECTED)

- KYLE BUSCH WILL BLOW A TRANNY, JUST LIKE THE ORANGE CONE DID IN COLLEGE. BUT IN HIS DEFENSE, HE WAS DRUNK. BOTH TIMES.

- RYAN NEWMAN WILL GO A LAP DOWN ON A SLOW PIT STOP (DROPPED LUGNUT)

- JIMMIE JOHNSON WILL LEAD THE MOST LAPS BUT WILL SUFFER A LATE SPEEDING PENALTY

- BRAD KESELOWSKI WILL PISS OFF SOMEONE

- THERE WILL BE TWO B.S. CAUTIONS

- DANICA GOES A LAP DOWN EARLY. GETS IT BACK. GOES DOWN A LAP AGAIN.

- BK RACING WILL HAVE TWO SOLID, TOP 40 RUNS

- DALE JR WILL FINISH FOURTH IN HIS FINAL RACE WITH JEFF GORDON'S OLD CREW CHIEF

- IT WILL NOT RAIN

- RUSTY WALLACE WILL SAY "FLAT FLYIN"

- TONY STEWART WILL FINISH IN THE TOP 10

- JEFF GORDON WILL TRY AND FIGHT RYAN NEWMAN

- JOEY LOGANO'S HAIRLINE WILL RECEDE EVEN MORE

- BRAD KESELOWSKI WILL WIN THE RACE

- DENNY HAMLIN WILL BE THE CHAMP
 

THE ANNOYING RACE FAN INTERVEIW #5

Queue ("Good Vibrations" by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch)

ARF: HELLO, YOU GUYS. WELCOME TO MY (I REALLY DIDN'T INTERVIEW) INTERVIEW. TODAY'S GUEST FINISHED FOURTH IN THE GEICO 500 AT TALLADEGA. PLEASE WELCOME LANDON CASSILL!

(fade music)

ARF: WELCOME, LANDON. HAVE A SEAT

Landon: Thanks, ARF. Glad to be here.

ARF: NO PROBLEM, MAN. FOURTH AT TALLADEGA? THAT'S GOTTA BE AWESOME.

Landon: Yeah, it really is. Really proud of my team. They worked hard all day and gave us great pit stops. They got me up front towards the end of the race. Track position was really important out there.

ARF: AT A RESTRICTOR PLATE RACE? SERIOUSLY? DO YOU REMEMBER THE 2000 WINSTON 500 WHEN DALE EARNHARDT WON? TRACK POSITION? HA!

Landon: I'm just really proud of my team, ARF.

ARF: YOU SHOULD BE, BUT I'M CALLING BS ON THE TRACK POSITION THING, LANDON. AND WHAT'S WITH THE CANNED RESPONSES? I'M PROUD OF MY TEAM... THEY WORKED HARD...YADDA YADDA.

Landon: Don't start, man.

ARF: OK, SORRY. SO, YOU'VE GOT A NICE HEAD OF HAIR THERE. DO YOU CONDITION?

Landon: I only wash my hair once a week.

ARF: REALLY? GROSS! MY HAIR IS PRETTY SPECTACULAR. IT WAS DUBBED THE "BEST HAIR IN RACING." YOURS WAS IN THE TOP 10, I THINK. THE LADIES OF TWITTER DECIDE.

Landon: Can't we talk about the race? 

ARF: I SEE YOU AS A THREAT TO MY HAIR.

(Landon becomes increasingly frustrated with ARF)

Landon: I thought this was an interview. I'm out of here.

ARF: COME ON MAN, STAY. DON'T LET YOUR INFERIOR HAIR RUIN THIS FOR YOU.

(Landon gets up and walks to ARF. He proceeds to give ARF a noogie)

ARF: HEY MAN, WATCH THE HAIR!

Landon: Now your hair isn't the best, you piece of [expletive]!

(Interview proceeds to cut to black)

(Queue "Good Vibrations")

**PLEASE NOTE THAT I DID NOT REALLY INTERVIEW LANDON CASSILL** 

THE ANNOYING RACE FAN INTERVIEW #4

Queue "Good Vibrations" by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch)

ARF: HELLO, YOU GUYS. WELCOME TO MY (I REALLY DIDN'T INTERVIEW) INTERVIEW. PLEASE WELCOME NATIONWIDE SERIES DRIVER, MILKA DUNO.

(fade music)

ARF: WELCOME TO THE SHOW MILKA. HAVE A SEAT.

Milka: Thanks, ARF. Glad to be here.

ARF: SURE. SO TELL ME, HOW DID IT FEEL TO FINALLY QUALIFY FOR A NATIONWIDE SERIES RACE?

Milka: Pretty good. I was relieved.

ARF: YOU SHOULD BE. EVERYONE ON TWITTER WAS PULLING FOR YOU.

Milka: Really?

ARF: HAHA, NO.

Milka: Oh. Not cool, ARF.

ARF: I KNOW. I'M SORRY.

Milka: It's ok.

ARF: HOW DID THE FANS TREAT YOU?

Milka: Good, I was well-received.

ARF: MILKA, DO YOU WANT TO HEAR SOMETHING FUNNY?

Milka: Sure, what is it?

ARF: THIS INTERVIEW LASTED LONGER THAN YOUR FIRST START IN THE NATIONWIDE SERIES. HAHAHA.

Milka: That's not funny [expletive]. You [expletive] [expletive]. I done here.

(Milka exits the interview)

ARF: OH WELL, I THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY. UNTIL NEXT TIME, YOU GUYS. 

(Queue "Good Vibrations")

**PLEASE NOTE THAT I DID NOT REALLY INTERVIEW MILKA DUNO**  

THE ANNOYING RACE FAN INTERVIEW #3

Queue "Good Vibrations" by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch)

ARF: HELLO, YOU GUYS. WELCOME TO MY (I REALLY DIDN'T INTERVIEW) INTERVIEW. MY GUEST TODAY COVERS NASCAR FOR USA TODAY. PLEASE WELCOME JEFF GLUCK.

(fade music)

ARF: WELCOME TO THE SHOW, JEFF GLUCK.

Jeff Gluck 2: Thanks. It's Jeff Gluck 2.

ARF: 2?

Jeff Gluck 2: Yes. 2.

ARF: WHAT ARE YOU? A LESS POPULAR MOVIE SEQUEL?

Jeff Gluck 2: No, this is my personal representation, not when I cover NASCAR.

ARF: I'M NOT SURE WHAT YOU MEAN, JEFF.

Jeff Gluck 2: Well, Jeff Gluck Covers NASCAR. Jeff Gluck 2 likes reality TV.

ARF: REALITY TV?

Jeff Gluck 2: Yep. I love Survivor.

ARF: YOU MEAN WE'RE NOT GOING TO TALK ABOUT DOVER?

Jeff Gluck 2: I thought we'd talk about the Amazing Race instead.

(ARF looks to his assistant and motions her to come closer)

ARF: (whispers) IS THIS SOME KIND OF JOKE?

ARF's assistant: (whispers back) I had no idea, sir.

(ARF's assistant leaves)

ARF: SO JEFF, HOW ABOUT JEFF GORDON WINNING YESTERDAY. THAT WAS PRETTY COOL, HUH?

Jeff Gluck 2: Can't we just talk about Big Brother? I really love that reality TV.

ARF: SORRY JEFF, THIS IS A RACING-THEMED SHOW. SEE YOUR WAY OUT.

Jeff Gluck 2: But...this...is a new side of me.

ARF: JUST GET OUT OF HERE.

Jeff Gluck 2: Let's talk about Storage Wars, please?

ARF: (in a fit of rage) GET OUT OF HERE. I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

Jeff Gluck 2: I..I'm sorry.

(Jeff Gluck 2 exits)

ARF: MY APOLOGIES, FRIENDS. FOR A MINUTE THERE, I THOUGHT I WAS GETTING PUNK'D. UNTIL NEXT WEEK'S INTERVIEW, I'LL SEE YOU WHEN I SEE YOU.

(Queue "Good Vibrations")

**PLEASE NOTE THAT I DID NOT REALLY INTERVIEW JEFF GLUCK OR JEFF GLUCK 2**

THE ANNOYING RACE FAN INTERVIEW #2

(Queue "Good Vibrations" by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch)

ARF: HELLO, YOU GUYS. WELCOME TO MY (I REALLY DIDN'T INTERVIEW) DRIVER INTERVIEW. MY GUEST TODAY IS NASCAR NATIONWIDE SERIES DRIVER, BRENDAN GAUGHAN.

(fade music)

ARF: WELCOME, BRENDAN. HAVE A SEAT. (snickers)

Brendan: Thanks, ARF, for having me as a guest.

ARF: NO PROBLEM, MAN. HOW'S IT FEEL TO HAVE TWO WINS IN THE NATIONWIDE SERIES THIS YEAR? THAT HAS TO BE AWESOME. (continues to snicker)

Brendan: It really is. I was pumped Saturday night. What an awesome race.

ARF: I DIDN'T SEE IT. I FELL ASLEEP WITH ABOUT 20 LAPS TO GO.

Brendan: Some fan you are. You missed a good race, ARF.

ARF: SO I HEARD. (begins to laugh harder)

Brendan: What's so funny? I came on your show to be interviewed but your laughing is a bit rude.

ARF: OH, IT'S NOTHING. ONE OF THE PRODUCERS OF THE SHOW TOLD ME A JOKE. THAT'S ALL.

Brendan: What was the joke?

ARF: IT WAS NOTHING. I FORGOT HOW IT GOES.

Brendan: Tell me.

ARF: PROMISE NOT TO GET MAD?

Brendan: I promise.

ARF: I WAS TOLD YOU PLAYED COLLEGIATE BASKETBALL FOR GEORGETOWN UNIVERSITY, AND I LOST IT. HAHAHA.

Brendan: I did play for Georgetown. It's not that funny.

ARF: IT KIND OF IS. HAHA.

(Brendan becomes irritated)

Brendan: You're an idiot. I'm out of here. 

ARF: COME ON MAN. I WAS ONLY KIDDING. I'M SORRY. (pauses)  SO HOW WAS THE VIEW OF THE COURT FROM THE BENCH? HAHAHAHAHA.

(Brendan picks up chair and begins to swing it violently)

Brendan. I'm gonna equalize you, you [expletive] piece of [expletive]!

ARF: IS THAT WHAT YOU SAID WHEN YOU MISSED A FREE THROW? HAHAHA.

(Brendan throws chair at ARF and rips microphone from his shirt)

Brendan: I'm out of here, [expletive].

(Brendan exits the interview room. ARF, now laying in a pool of his own blood with a cut to his forehead, begins to regain consciousness)

ARF: (in a dazed state) WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED? 

ARF's assistant: He hit you with a chair, sir.

ARF: DID HE LEAVE US ANY VOUCHERS FOR THE SOUTH POINT HOTEL AND CASINO?

ARF's assistant: No, sir, but he did pee on your shirt before he left.

ARF: THAT'S WHAT THAT IS, HUH. GREAT. (turns to camera) WELL, YOU GUYS, STAY TUNED FOR NEXT WEEK'S INTERVIEW.


(Queue "Good Vibrations")


**PLEASE NOTE THAT I DID NOT REALLY INTERVIEW BRENDAN GAUGHAN**

THE ANNOYING RACE FAN INTERVIEW #1

(Queue "Good Vibrations" by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch)

ARF: HELLO, YOU GUYS. WELCOME TO MY (I REALLY DIDN'T INTERVIEW) DRIVER INTERVIEW. MY GUEST TODAY IS NASCAR DRIVER RICKY STENHOUSE, JR.

(Fade music)

ARF: WELCOME, KEVIN. SIT DOWN.

Ricky: My name is Ricky.

ARF: SORRY, I JEFF GORDON'D THAT. MY APOLOGIES, RICKY.

Ricky: It's ok, it happens.

ARF: HOW ARE YOU DOING? ROUGH DAY YESTERDAY AT CHICAGOLAND, HUH? DANICA MUST BE PISSED AT YOU.

Ricky: (pauses) It...(begins to tear up)...it was. (sniffles)

ARF: WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, MAN? YOU WRECKED INTO DANICA PATRICK, YOUR GIRLFRIEND. I BET THAT WAS A LONG RIDE HOME. WHAT DOES THE DOG THINK?

Ricky: (tears roll down face) I...(catches breath)...don't want to think about it. (begins to sob uncontrollably)

ARF: SOMEONE GET HIM SOME TISSUES.

ARF's assistant: We only have paper towels, sir.

ARF: OK, THAT'LL DO.

(hands towels to Ricky)

ARF: SO REALLY, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

Ricky: It wasn't (sobbing) my fault (rips mic from shirt). I (waaah) can't do this. I'm sorry. (Ricky exits)

ARF: HUH. THAT ESCALATED QUICKLY. (turns to camera) WELP, STAY TUNED FOR NEXT WEEK'S WAVE-MAKER AS WE MOVE TO LOUDON, NEW HAMPSHIRE. THANKS, YOU GUYS.

(Queue "Good Vibrations")

**PLEASE NOTE THAT I DID NOT REALLY INTERVIEW RICKY STENHOUSE, JR.**