NASCAR OFFSEASON DISORDER (NOD) 2016-2017

IT FEELS LIKE YESTERDAY THAT MATT DIBENINTENDO SCORED THAT GREAT FINISH AT BRISTOL OR WHEN DALE JR SPUN IN THE DAYTONA 500 AND THEN AGAIN AT TALLADEGA. VICTORY LANE AT MANY NASCAR TRACKS WILL BE COVERED WITH SNOW INSTEAD OF CONFETTI. AHHH, MEMORIES. WELL, THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE NOW -- MEMORIES. WE MUST BRACE FOR THE PLUNGE INTO THE DARK ABYSS WHERE THERE ARE NO NASCAR RACES. I'M GOING TO BE THE FIRST PERSON TO SAY THAT IT SUCKS. HARD. 

TONIGHT, WE WILL CROWN A SPRINT CUP CHAMPION FROM ONE OF FOUR CHAMPIONSHIP CONTENDERS: JIMMIE JOHNSON, CARL EDWARDS, KYLE BUSCH, AND JOEY LAGANO. WE'LL CHEER AND WE'LL BOO. SOME OF YOU MIGHT EVEN CRY. WE'LL STILL BE ON THE CHAMPIONSHIP HIGH THE DAY AFTER HOMESTEAD, NOT REALIZING THAT WE MUST WAIT UNTIL FEBRUARY TO SEE NACARS. SOME OF US WILL WATCH THE CHAMPIONSHIP AWARDS AND CLING TO THE HOPE THAT IT IS A PRE-RACE SHOW WITH LESS HUMOR. AND THEN NOTHING UNTIL FEBRUARY. WE CALL THAT, "NOD."

NOD - THE DREADED ACRONYM AND EMPTY FEELING OF THE NASCAR OFFSEASON - IS HERE AGAIN. FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT ARE NEW, NOD IS "NASCAR OFFSEASON DISORDER." IT IS THE VOID LEFT BY NOT HAVING ANY NASCAR RACES UNTIL DAYTONA. MOST NASCAR FANS HAVE NOD BUT THEY JUST DON'T REALIZE IT. BASICALLY, IF YOU TELL ONE OF YOUR RACING BUDDIES THAT YOU "MISS NASCAR", CONSIDER YOURSELF A NOD SUFFERER. 

NO MORE JEFF GLUCK'S "12 QUESTIONS" IN THE USA TODAY AND NO BOB POCKRASS "FLYOVER!" INSTAGRAM POSTS. NO MORE "THAT ANTHEM SUCKED" OR "NOT ANOTHER COMMERCIAL BREAK!" TWEETS. WE WON'T SEE THE ORANGE CONE'S "BLEW A TRANNY" TWEET FOR A WHILE, THANKFULLY. WE WON'T HEAR KEVIN HARVICK COMPLAIN ABOUT HIS PIT CREW OR WHAT LAP DANICA GOES DOWN A LAP. THAT'S ALL GONE UNTIL DAYTONA. YOU'RE GOING TO BE MAD AND YOU'RE GOING TO BE SAD. YOU'LL PROBABLY BE IN DENIAL AS WELL. 

NASCAR IS AN IMPORTANT PIECE OF OUR LIVES. WE JUST HAVE TO ACCEPT THE FACT THAT NASCAR NEEDS A BREAK. IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING (NASCAR), YOU MUST SET IT FREE (THE OFFSEASON). IF IT (NASCAR) COMES BACK (FROM THE OFFSEASON), IT WAS MEANT TO BE (BEING A FAN OF NASCAR). IF I CAN OFFER ONE PIECE OF ADVICE FOR THOSE PREPARING FOR NOD: THINK OF IT AS IF YOU ARE PREPARING FOR A BLIZZARD OR HURRICANE. STOCK UP ON THE ALCOHOL, FOOD, BATTERIES, TISSUES ('CAUSE THERE WILL BE A LOT OF CRYING), AND EMPTY BOTTLES TO PEE IN. ONCE THE STORM (THE OFFSEASON) PASSES, WE WILL ALL SEE TEH SUN (NASCAR) RISE. BUT THEN AGAIN, THERE MIGHT BE A RAIN DELAY.

NOD 2015-2016

NOD SEASON, 2015-2016

IT’S HERE AGAIN -- THE LAST RACE OF THE NASCAR SEASON IS UPON US. THE FEELING YOU GET WHEN YOU SCROLL THROUGH THE TV LISTINGS, LOOKING TO SEE WHAT TIME THE NASCAR RACE IS ON, ONLY TO REALIZE THERE IS NO RACE. THE ABSENCE. THE LONELINESS. THE ANGER. THE DIARRHEA. WAIT, SCRATCH THE DIARRHEA. IT PROBABLY ONLY HAPPENS IN EXTREME CASES, BUT THAT’S BESIDE THE POINT. ANYWAY, THE FEELINGS YOU FEEL WHEN THERE’S NO NASCAR IS REFERRED TO AS NASCAR OFFSEASON DISORDER, OR “NOD.” THIS IS A REAL THING, YOU GUYS. I DISCOVERED IT LAST YEAR DURING THE ABSENCE, OR AS MOST CALL IT, THE “OFFSEASON.” I JUST FELT ALONE. I NOTICED THE SAME WITH OTHERS THAT USE THE SOCIAL MEDIA APPLICATIONS LIKE TWITTER. IT WAS LIKE AN EXTENDED WITHDRAWAL. AND AFTER A FUN YEAR OF LOW DOWNFORCE, HIGH DOWNFORCE, TIRE PACKAGES, DID HARVICK DO IT ON PURPOSE, DID JOEY DESERVE TO BE WRECKED BY MATT KENSETH AT MARTINSVILLE, OR WHY CARL EDWARDS WAS WEARING GALOSHES AT MICHIGAN WAS IN JUNE, THE 2015 SPRINT CUP SEASON IS OVER. OVER!!!! WE HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL 2016 FOR NASCAR RACING. WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!! SORRY. I’M STILL COMING TO GRIP WITH THIS MYSELF. HERE’S WHAT WE KNOW.

HERE’S WHAT WE KNOW

“WAAAH, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITHOUT NASCAR? WAAAH.” I’VE SEEN THIS A BUNCH ON THE TWITTER LATELY. EVERYONE IS REALIZING THAT THE 2015 NASCAR SEASON IS COMING TO AN END.

I CAN REMEMBER TIMES IN THE EARLY AND MID 2000’S WHEN I WOULD HAVE A BLANK STARE, WAITING FOR NASCAR SEASON. I’D GET EXCITED FOR PRESEASON THUNDER ON SPEED. I’D GET EXCITED TO SEE TEH NASCARS TESTING AT DAYTONA. TESTING. WATCHING A BUNCH OF PRIMER-COLORED CARS RUN ONE OR TWO LAPS. I’D ACTUALLY RECORD IT. TWO HOURS OF “PRACTICE.” I SAY “PRACTICE” BECAUSE IT WASN’T EVEN PRACTICE. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I DIDN’T CARE. IT WAS NASCAR. I WOULD EVEN TAKE VACATION DAYS TO SIT AND WATCH THE TWIN 125’S BECAUSE I WAS THAT EXCITED.

THE TERM “NASCAR OFFSEASON DISORDER” COMES FROM HAVING TO LIVE THROUGH THE NASCAR OFFSEASON. NASCAR IS THE SPORT WE LOVE. OFFSEASON REFERS TO THE OFFSEASON NASCAR HAS THAT BEGINS IN NOVEMBER AND LASTS UNTIL FEBRUARY OF THE NEXT YEAR. THE WORD “DISORDER,” ACCORDING TO WEBSTER’S, MEANS A “PHYSICAL OR MENTAL CONDITION THAT IS NOT NORMAL OR HEALTHY.” BOY, AIN’T THAT THE TRUTH. YOU WEAVE “NASCAR,” “OFFSEASON” AND “DISORDER” TOGETHER, AND BOOM – NASCAR OFFSEASON DISORDER. YOU THEN TAKE THE FIRST LETTER OF EACH WORD AND MAKE A NEW WORD – (HASHTAG) NOD. NOW, HOW DO WE DEAL WITH NOD?

HOW DO WE DEAL WITH NOD?
GREAT QUESTION, ARF. DEALING WITH NOD IS A PROCESS IN ITSELF. YOU’RE GONNA CRY. IT’S JUST PART OF THE HEALING. I ALSO SUGGEST HEAVILY MEDICATING WITH ALCOHOL, THOUGH NOT TO THE POINT OF YOU DOING SOMETHING YOU MIGHT REGRET THE NEXT DAY. THAT’D BE PRETTY DUMB. WE’RE MOSTLY ADULTS HERE, PEOPLE. LIKE, DON’T TRY AND CATCH A CUE BALL WITH YOUR TEETH. YOU PROBABLY HAVE A PRETTY SMILE. (LOOKS OVER NOTES) SORRY, I LOST MY PLACE. ARE YOU ONE OF THE LUCKY ONES TO HAVE SOME BURNT RUBBER (WITH THE FRENCH R) COLOGNE? IF YOU ARE, AROMATHERAPY IS ALSO A BIG HELP WITH NOD. IF YOU DON’T, I SUGGEST WEARING THE SHIRT YOU WEAR TO MOW THE LAWN OR CHANGE THE OIL IN YOUR VEHICLE. IT HAS SIMILAR EFFECTS. DO YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO WATCH OLD NASCAR RACES VIA THE VCR? OR WHAT ABOUT WATCHING OLD NASCAR RACES ON THE INTERWEBBIES? SOME KIND PEOPLE HAVE ACTUALLY CREATED (HASHTAG) NOD PLAYLISTS TO HELP COMBAT THIS TERRIBLE PROBLEM. LASTLY, RELY ON YOUR TWITTER FAMILY. I WILL OCCASIONALLY CHECK ON YOU GUYS TO MAKE SURE YOU ARE ABLE TO DEAL WITH YOUR (HASHTAG) NOD.

2015 IS THE LAST YEAR OF JEFF GORDON RACING IN NASCAR. THIS IS A PROBLEM WE ALL HAVE TO FACE. HE’S BEEN IN THE SPORT FOR A LONG TIME AND HIS ABSENCE IS ONLY GOING TO TIGHTEN THE GRIP (HASHTAG) NOD HAS ON US. ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, HIS STUFF WILL PROBABLY GO ON CLEARANCE IN THE NASCAR SUPERSTORE AND THE FANATICS TENTS THAT CAN BE FOUND AT NASCAR RACES (THEY REPLACED THE SOUVENIER HAULERS THAT MOST PEOPLE LOVED. PERSONALLY, I LIKE THE TENTS). MUCH LIKE EL NIŇO, THIS BOUT OF (HASHTAG) NOD IS GOING TO BE STRONG. THE UPCOMING HOLIDAY SEASON WILL BE A WELCOMED DISTRACTION, STUFFING OUR FACES WITH TURKEY AND PIE, BUT I WARN YOU ALL OF CHRISTMAS. DO YOU KNOW WHAT NASCAR FANS GET FOR CHRISTMAS? THEY GET NASCAR STUFF. THIS ALONE IS ENOUGH TO SEND YOU IN A TAILSPIN OF EMOTION. PREPARE FOR ANY NASCAR-RELATED GIFTS.

WE ARE ALSO FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO HAVE SOME RACING EVENTS THAT HELP FILL THE NASCAR VOID. THE SNOWBALL DERBY IS ON THURSDAY, DECEMBER 5^th AT 5 FLAGS SPEEDWAY. THE CHILI BOWL NATIONALS IS SCHEDULED FOR JANUARY 12-16, 2016. THIS IS A GREAT EVENT TO WATCH. AND THE 54^th 24 AT DAYTONA IS SLATED FOR JANUARY 30 AND 31, 2016. I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THESE TERRIFIC EVENTS IN NASCAR’S ABSENCE. JANUARY IS ALSO OFFICIALLY/UNOFFICIALLY  “NOD AWARENESS MONTH.”

IN CONCLUSION
IN CONCLUSION, WE’RE ALL GOING TO SUFFER. SOME ARE GOING TO SUFFER MORE THAN OTHERS. BUT I WANT YOU ALL TO REMEMBER ONE THING – YOU ARE NOD ALONE.

ARF INTERVIEWS MATT KENSETH

(Queue "Good Vibrations" by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch)

ARF: HELLO, YOU GUYS. WELCOME TO MY (I REALLY DIDN'T INTERVIEW) INTERVIEW. TODAY'S GUEST DRIVES THE DOLLAR GENERAL TOYOTA FOR JOE GIBBS RACING. PLEASE WELCOME MY DEAR FRIEND MATTHEW KENSETH.

(Fade music)

ARF: WELCOME, MATT.

(ARF goes to hug Matt, Matt stiff-arms ARF)

ARF: PLEASE, SIT DOWN OLD FRIEND.

(Matt sits)

Matt: We’re not friends. I’ve never met you before.

ARF: WE ARE SO FRIENDS. REMEMBER VICTORY LANE AT MICHIGAN?

(ARF shows Matt images from Michigan victory lane)

Matt: I don’t remember you.

ARF: DO YOU REMEMBER WINNING?

Matt: Yes.

ARF: THEN YOU REMEMBER ME. MY RED CONFETTI, THE CONFETTI I SHOT OFF IN VICTORY LANE, ENDED UP ON YOUR CAR.

Matt: Whatever.

ARF: SO, IT WAS NICE OF NASCAR TO GIVE YOU A COUPLE WEEKS OFF, HUH?

Matt:  No comment. I came here to talk about driving the Dollar General Toyota Camry.

ARF: IT LOOKS LIKE ERIK JONES IS DRIVING IT NOW.

Matt: You’re an idiot.

ARF: SORRY. HEY, MATT, REMEMBER THE PICTURE OF US WITH MISS SPRINT CUP IN VICTORY LANE AT MICHIGAN?

Matt: No.

ARF: COME ON. IT WAS THE PICTURE OF US THREE. WE WERE ALL SO HAPPY TOGETHER.

Matt: I don’t remember at all. Why am I still here? This is so dumb.

ARF: SOMEONE GET THE VICTORY LANE PICTURE AND SHOW IT TO MATT.

(ARF’s assistant shows picture to Matt)

Matt: Okay.

ARF: IS THAT YOU?

Matt: Yes.

ARF: IS THAT MISS SPRINT CUP?

Matt: Yes.

ARF: IS THAT ME WITH THE ARROW?

Matt: I can’t tell.

(Matt farts)

ARF: DID YOU JUST… DID YOU JUST FART?

Matt: I…I don’t remember.

ARF: DO YOU REMEMBER MARTINSVILLE?

Matt: Haha, yeah.

ARF: I HAVE AN IMPERSONATION FOR YOU, MATT.

(ARF sips a Coca-Cola. Squints and smiles.)

ARF: WHO AM I?

Matt: (chuckles) Joey Logano.

ARF: RIGHT! DID I JUST MAKE YOU LAUGH?

Matt: I don’t remember.

ARF: YOU LAUGHED. ADMIT IT.

Matt: Okay, I kind of did.

ARF: YES! HIGH FIVE, BUDDY!

(ARF and Matt high five)

ARF: ARE WE FRIENDS?

Matt: Yeah, I guess.

ARF: I KNEW YOU’D COME AROUND, BUDDY. WANNA GO EAT SOME DONUTS?

Matt: You like donuts, too?

ARF: UH, YEAH!

Matt: AWESOME! I’M DRIVING!

ARF: BEST DAY EVER! THANKS FOR TUNING IN TO MY INTERVIEW, YOU GUYS. I’LL TALK TO YOU LATER!

(ARF and Matt leave, laughing heartily as they exit the stage)

(Queue "Good Vibrations")

**PLEASE NOTE THAT I DID NOT REALLY INTERVIEW MATT KENSETH**

I WENT TO MICHIGAN.

    WHEN I WAS BORN JUST OVER A YEAR AGO, I DIDN’T THINK I WOULD BE GOING TO RACES AND SEEING WHAT I SAW YESTERDAY. IT WAS A MIND-BOTTLING EXPERIENCE. I’M HAVING PROBLEMS FINDING THE RIGHT WAY TO DESCRIBE HOW AWESOME IT WAS (BEGINS TO TEAR UP). BUT YEAH, I DECIDED TO GO TO MICHIGAN. I MEAN, THE WHOLE WEEKEND WAS JUST FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC. AFTER ARRIVING IN MICHIGAN, I HAD PLANS ON ATTENDING DINNER WITH A FEW FRIENDS. THERE WAS A CONE (WITH HIS OFFSPRING), A CASM, A MRS CASM, AND A GRIFFIN HICKMAN. THE DINNER ITSELF WAS AN ABSOLUTE PLEASURE. WE ALL SHARED A GIANT BOWL OF NACHOS, THAT’S HOW AWESOME THIS DINNER WAS. WE PROBABLY COULD HAVE TALKED FOR MANY HOURS, BUT WE DIDN’T. WE KNEW WE’D SEE EACH OTHER AT THE RACE THE NEXT DAY.

    RACE DAY. I WOKE UP AT 5:00 A.M. NERVES? EXCITEMENT? THE NACHOS? MAYBE A BIT OF ALL THREE. HAHA, JUST KIDDING, YOU GUYS. I WASN’T NERVOUS. I GOT OUT OF BED AND DID MY MORNING RITUAL OF SQUAT THRUSTS AND JUMPING JACKS IN ANTICIPATION OF THE DAY THAT WAS AHEAD OF ME. I THEN SHOWERED AND PREPPED MY HAIR FOR ANY INCLEMENT WEATHER I MIGHT FACE, NOT KNOWING THERE WAS GOING TO BE A DELUGE OF BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS. I LEFT MY HOTEL ROOM ABOUT 6:30 AND AS I WAS EXITING THE BUILDING, I WAS FLANKED BY TEAM MEMBERS OF RYAN NEWMAN. THEY WERE ALL DRESSED IN THEIR FANCY RCR RACE GEAR. (SKIPS PART ABOUT STOPPING TO GET GAS AND A RED BULL IN TECUMSEH, MI) I GOT TO THE TRACK ABOUT 7:15 A.M. AND PICKED UP MY PASSES FOR THE DAY. AFTER I PARKED, I WALKED AROUND THE GARAGE AREA TO GET A FEEL FOR WHO WAS THE FAVORITE TO WIN (I ONLY SAID THAT BECAUSE A LOT OF NASCAR TV PEOPLE SAY THAT BEFORE AND DURING THE RACE). I BRIEFLY TALKED TO KASEY KAHNE’S CREW CHIEF. KEITH RODDEN. YOU MIGHT KNOW HIM. CLASSY GUY. AFTER WALKING AROUND AND (ACCORDING TO MY FITBIT) TAKING AROUND 7,000 STEPS, I HOOKED UP WITH GRIFF AND WE WENT TO THE TWEET-UP. 

    MY FIRST TWEET-UP EVER. STILL WASN’T NERVOUS, THOUGH I COULD HAVE USED A SMALL PORTION OF LIQUOR TO HELP. I MET A LOT OF COOL PEOPLE THERE AND EVEN TOOK A COUPLE PICTURES (OF MY HAIR). AT THE TWEET-UP, MY FRIEND CHARLIE APPEARED. ONCE THAT WAS OVER, CHARLIE SHOWED ME HIS BOOTH AT MIS. HE REALLY HAS A GREAT SEAT. I WAS JEALOUS.

    IT CAN NEITHER BE CONFIRMED NOR DENIED THAT I WAS ON PIT ROAD DURING THE PRE-RACE PRAYER AND NATIONAL ANTHEM WITH A RACE TEAM. IF SO, THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A TREVOR BAYNE “AM I DREAMING RIGHT NOW?” MOMENT (PINCHES SELF). BEING ABLE TO WATCH THE RACE, THE RAIN DELAY, THE RACE, THE RAIN DELAY, THE RACE, THE RAIN DELAY, AND THE REST OF THE RACE FROM THE PITS WAS UH-MAZING. I FOUND THE PERFECT SEAT IN THE PIT AREA TO WATCH THE RACE. ONLY TWO OTHER PEOPLE KNOW OF THIS SEAT, SO DON’T ASK WHERE IT IS BECAUSE I WON’T TELL. IT’S A GREAT SEAT, THOUGH. I’LL BE SITTING THERE WHEN I GO BACK. ANOTHER THING I LEARNED ABOUT MICHIGAN IS A LOT OF THE DRIVERS USE THE BATHROOM IN THE MEDIA CENTER. I WATCHED NUMEROUS DRIVERS (COUGH)CLINT BOWYER AND CARL EDWARDS(COUGH) WALK PAST ME TO GO TINKLE. DALE JR ALMOST RAN ME OVER A COUPLE TIMES AND SO DID CARL EDWARDS. DANICA PATRICK IS REALLY SHORT. JEFF GORDON IS, TOO. SEEING THE DRIVERS IN PERSON IS A BIT SURREAL. IT'S LIKE YOU'RE WATCHING THEM ON TELEVISION, ONLY YOU'RE NOT. THEY'RE REALLY RIGHT THERE. RUSTY WALLACE HOLDING THE DOOR FOR YOU IS WEIRD. ENCOUNTERING THE NASCAR ON NBC CREW (ALLEN, LETARTE, BURTON) AS THEY STEP OFF OF THE ELEVATOR IS JUST AS WEIRD.

    THE WEEKEND WAS NOTHING SHORT OF SPECTACULAR. I SPENT ABOUT 12 HOURS AT THE TRACK YESTERDAY AND NEVER HAD A PROBLEM. THE EMPLOYEES AT MICHIGAN INTERNATIONAL SPEEDWAY WERE QUITE KIND AND COURTEOUS TO A TWITTER INFANT LIKE ME. I EVEN TALKED WITH ONE OF THE GARAGE SECURITY EMPLOYEES FOR QUITE A BIT. SHE WAS NICE. ROGER CURTIS HAS ONE HECK OF AN OPERATION THERE. I DON’T THINK I’VE SEEN A TRACK PRESIDENT CARE SO MUCH ABOUT THE FANS. SAMMIE LUKA-HOWEVERYOUSAYYOURLASTNAME, THANKS AGAIN AND I DIDN’T EMBARRASS MYSELF (DON’T WORRY, I KNOW HOW TO PRONOUNCE YOUR NAME). I MET THE TWITTER-FAMOUS JON WOOD AND TIM CLAGG YESTERDAY. I EVEN ALLOWED JON TO TAKE A PICTURE WITH ME WHEN HE WENT TOTAL FANBOY OVER ME. AND LASTLY: GRIFF, CASM, JEANNE, CONE, AND CHARLIE, IT WAS A GREAT WEEKEND. I CAN’T THANK YOU GUYS ENOUGH. MY ARMS ARE BRUISED FROM PINCHING MYSELF TO SEE IF THE WEEKEND WAS REAL.

ARF INTERVIEWS... JOEY LOGANO

(Queue "Good Vibrations" by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch)

ARF: HELLO, YOU GUYS. WELCOME TO MY (I REALLY DIDN'T INTERVIEW) INTERVIEW. TODAY'S GUEST FINISHED DRIVES THE SHELL PENNZOIL FORD FOR ROGER PENSKE. PLEASE WELCOME JOEY LOGANO.

(Fade music)

ARF: WELCOME, DENNY.

Joey: It’s Joey.

ARF: MY BAD. SO JOEY, TELL ME ABOUT HOW THINGS ARE GOING OVER THERE AT PENSKE. YOU AND BRAD SEEM TO HAVE A GREAT RELATIONSHIP.

Joey: (squints and smiles) Things are going great. Brad and I have a great working relationship. We feed off of each other.

ARF: YOU DO WHAT?

Joey: (squints and smiles) It’s a metaphor, ARF. It means we learn things from each other about racing. We push each other.

ARF: WAIT, WAIT. WHY ARE YOU PUSHING BRAD? I THOUGHT THAT WAS KEVIN HARVICK’S JOB?

Joey: (squints and smiles) That’s funny. I kind of walked into that one, didn’t I.

ARF: YES, YES YOU DID. SO, DENNY, LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.

Joey: It’s Joey, ARF. I’m not Denny.

ARF: SORRY, SORRY. BUT REALLY, LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTON. HOW OLD ARE YOU?

Joey: (squints and smiles) I’m 24, ARF.

ARF: 24? HOLY MOSES, JOEY. YOU’RE GOING BALD. YOU’RE 24 AND YOU’RE GOIND BALD. (points to own head) JOEY, LOOK AT THIS COIF. I’M 35 AND HAVE A BEAUTIFUL HEAD OF HAIR. WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM? DW HAS MORE HAIR THAN YOU.

Joey: (squints and laughs) Thanks, ARF, you sure know how to make a guy feel special.

ARF: I’M A HARD-HITTING JOURNALIST, JOEY. SO LET ME ASK YOU ANOTHER QUESTION. WHAT KIND OF SOCKS ARE YOU WEARING?

Joey: (squints and smiles) Seriously?

ARF: SERIOUSLY.

Joey: (reveals his socks) Plain white socks.

ARF: ARE THOSE QUARTER-LENGTH SOCKS? ARE YOU HAVING AN IDENTITY CRISIS? YOU LOOK LIKE A TOURIST IN LAS VEGAS.

Joey: (squints and smiles) What’s wrong with my socks?

ARF: EVERYTHING. CHECK OUT THESE SOCKS. (shows socks to Joey)

Joey: Dang, ARF, those socks are awesome.

ARF: JOEY, I’M AWESOME. JOEY, I HAVE ONE FINAL QUESTION FOR YOU.

Joey: Shoot.

ARF: (snickers) SO, JOEY. WE KNOW YOU’VE BEEN FAST THIS YEAR AND THAT’S PRETTY COOL. (continues to snicker) TELL ME WHAT IT’S LIKE TO SIT ON SO MANY POLES. (begins to laugh uncontrollably) THAT HAS TO HURT, HAHAHAHA.

Joey: (squints and laughs) You’re an idiot. (throws water in ARF’S face and walks off set)

(ARF’s laughing gets to the point where he passes out, not realizing that Joey had left. Eventually coming to, ARF realizes he also urinated himself from the laughter.)

ARF: WELL, YOU GUYS, I GUESS THAT WRAPS UP TODAY’S INTERVIEW. STAY TUNED FOR THE NEXT INTERVIEW.

(Queue "Good Vibrations")

**PLEASE NOTE THAT I DID NOT REALLY INTERVIEW JOEY LOGANO**

 

NOD PSA'S FROM REAL PEOPLE

FROM GRIFFIN H.

(slow piano music)

There’s a scent you love more than any other. No, not that of a woman, or of your gentleman at his finest hour. You’re thinking of exhaust, rubber, and fried bologna, a combination one is most likely to experience in the NASCAR garage.

But that’s not the case right now. Instead, you’re donning your thickest winter coat, scraping your windshield, and struggling through a snowy drive. The red flag is out, stopping the nine months of fun you just enjoyed. Now, you’re in a period that seems so much longer, so damaging after those 38 weekends of glee.

Face it, friend. You have #NOD. Know this: You are #NOD alone. Millions like you suffer from #NOD every year, and have since 1948. Help is on the way, because it’s January, and the Daytona 500 is next freaking month, you guys. Now, would you like mayonnaise with your bologna?

(engine sound, fans cheering sound)

FROM LAURA H. (NOT RELATED TO GRIFFIN H. DIFFERENT LAST NAMES)

NOD AWARENESS MONTH 2015

IT HAS BEEN A ROUGH MONTH FOR ALL OF US. NASCAR OFFSEASON DISORDER, OR NOD, HIT HARD THIS YEAR. IT HIT ME, TOO. NOD CAUSED ME TO TWEET ABOUT MY TONGUE. MY TONGUE, YOU GUYS. I KNEW I HAD HIT ROCK BOTTOM WITH THAT TWEET. A LOT OF YOU TOOK TO USING THE HASHTAG #NOD WHEN TWEETING ABOUT THE VOID OF NOT HAVING NASCAR IN YOUR LIVES.

JANUARY WAS UNOFFICALLY-OFFICIALLY DUBBED “NOD AWARENESS MONTH.” IT FELT RIGHT TO CHOOSE JANUARY BECAUSE IT IS THE MONTH CLOSEST TO THE RETURN OF NASCAR. BUT IN THE TIME THAT WE DIDN’T HAVE RACING TO TALK ABOUT, TWITTER BECAME A DOCTOR’S OFFICE WAITING ROOM WITH NO MAGAZINES OR ELEVATOR MUSIC. EVEN THE TOP FIVE SUFFERED. ANY SNIFF OF NASCAR NEWS SENT THE TWITTER MASSES SWARMING LIKE PIRHANAS AT THE SMALLEST TASTE OF BLOOD IN THE WATER. IT WAS A TOUGH MONTH, BUT THANKFULLY WE HAD EVENTS LIKE THE CHILI BOWL, THE 24 HOURS OF DAYTONA, AND THE OREGON TRAIL TO TEMPORARILY QUENCH OUR THIRTS OF RACING.

I AM THANKFUL THAT NOD GOT THE EXPOSURE IT DID. WE ALL NEEDED TO KNOW WHAT WE WERE FEELING AFTER HOMESTEAD, AND I WAS PROUD TO DIAGNOSE NOD. MANY OF YOU OFFERED SUGGESTIONS FOR TEMPORARY RELIEF OF NOD. SWEARING UNCONTROLLABLY AND WATCHING OLD RACES ON YOUTUBE WERE JUST A FEW SUGGESTIONS. A GREAT VIDEO PSA WAS MADE. OUR FRIEND, JEFF GLUCK, WAS KIND ENOUGH TO EXPOSE NASCAR FANS TO WHAT THEY WERE FEELING. OF COURSE, THEY WERE FEELING THE SYMPTOMS OF NOD. WE’LL ALL SEE SPRINT CUP CARS ON THE TRACK RELATIVELY SOON AND NOD WILL CEASE TO EXIST

REMEMBER, YOU GUYS, YOU ARE NOD ALONE. BRING ON NASCAR.

-ARF