NOD 2015-2016

NOD SEASON, 2015-2016

IT’S HERE AGAIN -- THE LAST RACE OF THE NASCAR SEASON IS UPON US. THE FEELING YOU GET WHEN YOU SCROLL THROUGH THE TV LISTINGS, LOOKING TO SEE WHAT TIME THE NASCAR RACE IS ON, ONLY TO REALIZE THERE IS NO RACE. THE ABSENCE. THE LONELINESS. THE ANGER. THE DIARRHEA. WAIT, SCRATCH THE DIARRHEA. IT PROBABLY ONLY HAPPENS IN EXTREME CASES, BUT THAT’S BESIDE THE POINT. ANYWAY, THE FEELINGS YOU FEEL WHEN THERE’S NO NASCAR IS REFERRED TO AS NASCAR OFFSEASON DISORDER, OR “NOD.” THIS IS A REAL THING, YOU GUYS. I DISCOVERED IT LAST YEAR DURING THE ABSENCE, OR AS MOST CALL IT, THE “OFFSEASON.” I JUST FELT ALONE. I NOTICED THE SAME WITH OTHERS THAT USE THE SOCIAL MEDIA APPLICATIONS LIKE TWITTER. IT WAS LIKE AN EXTENDED WITHDRAWAL. AND AFTER A FUN YEAR OF LOW DOWNFORCE, HIGH DOWNFORCE, TIRE PACKAGES, DID HARVICK DO IT ON PURPOSE, DID JOEY DESERVE TO BE WRECKED BY MATT KENSETH AT MARTINSVILLE, OR WHY CARL EDWARDS WAS WEARING GALOSHES AT MICHIGAN WAS IN JUNE, THE 2015 SPRINT CUP SEASON IS OVER. OVER!!!! WE HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL 2016 FOR NASCAR RACING. WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!! SORRY. I’M STILL COMING TO GRIP WITH THIS MYSELF. HERE’S WHAT WE KNOW.

HERE’S WHAT WE KNOW

“WAAAH, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITHOUT NASCAR? WAAAH.” I’VE SEEN THIS A BUNCH ON THE TWITTER LATELY. EVERYONE IS REALIZING THAT THE 2015 NASCAR SEASON IS COMING TO AN END.

I CAN REMEMBER TIMES IN THE EARLY AND MID 2000’S WHEN I WOULD HAVE A BLANK STARE, WAITING FOR NASCAR SEASON. I’D GET EXCITED FOR PRESEASON THUNDER ON SPEED. I’D GET EXCITED TO SEE TEH NASCARS TESTING AT DAYTONA. TESTING. WATCHING A BUNCH OF PRIMER-COLORED CARS RUN ONE OR TWO LAPS. I’D ACTUALLY RECORD IT. TWO HOURS OF “PRACTICE.” I SAY “PRACTICE” BECAUSE IT WASN’T EVEN PRACTICE. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I DIDN’T CARE. IT WAS NASCAR. I WOULD EVEN TAKE VACATION DAYS TO SIT AND WATCH THE TWIN 125’S BECAUSE I WAS THAT EXCITED.

THE TERM “NASCAR OFFSEASON DISORDER” COMES FROM HAVING TO LIVE THROUGH THE NASCAR OFFSEASON. NASCAR IS THE SPORT WE LOVE. OFFSEASON REFERS TO THE OFFSEASON NASCAR HAS THAT BEGINS IN NOVEMBER AND LASTS UNTIL FEBRUARY OF THE NEXT YEAR. THE WORD “DISORDER,” ACCORDING TO WEBSTER’S, MEANS A “PHYSICAL OR MENTAL CONDITION THAT IS NOT NORMAL OR HEALTHY.” BOY, AIN’T THAT THE TRUTH. YOU WEAVE “NASCAR,” “OFFSEASON” AND “DISORDER” TOGETHER, AND BOOM – NASCAR OFFSEASON DISORDER. YOU THEN TAKE THE FIRST LETTER OF EACH WORD AND MAKE A NEW WORD – (HASHTAG) NOD. NOW, HOW DO WE DEAL WITH NOD?

HOW DO WE DEAL WITH NOD?
GREAT QUESTION, ARF. DEALING WITH NOD IS A PROCESS IN ITSELF. YOU’RE GONNA CRY. IT’S JUST PART OF THE HEALING. I ALSO SUGGEST HEAVILY MEDICATING WITH ALCOHOL, THOUGH NOT TO THE POINT OF YOU DOING SOMETHING YOU MIGHT REGRET THE NEXT DAY. THAT’D BE PRETTY DUMB. WE’RE MOSTLY ADULTS HERE, PEOPLE. LIKE, DON’T TRY AND CATCH A CUE BALL WITH YOUR TEETH. YOU PROBABLY HAVE A PRETTY SMILE. (LOOKS OVER NOTES) SORRY, I LOST MY PLACE. ARE YOU ONE OF THE LUCKY ONES TO HAVE SOME BURNT RUBBER (WITH THE FRENCH R) COLOGNE? IF YOU ARE, AROMATHERAPY IS ALSO A BIG HELP WITH NOD. IF YOU DON’T, I SUGGEST WEARING THE SHIRT YOU WEAR TO MOW THE LAWN OR CHANGE THE OIL IN YOUR VEHICLE. IT HAS SIMILAR EFFECTS. DO YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO WATCH OLD NASCAR RACES VIA THE VCR? OR WHAT ABOUT WATCHING OLD NASCAR RACES ON THE INTERWEBBIES? SOME KIND PEOPLE HAVE ACTUALLY CREATED (HASHTAG) NOD PLAYLISTS TO HELP COMBAT THIS TERRIBLE PROBLEM. LASTLY, RELY ON YOUR TWITTER FAMILY. I WILL OCCASIONALLY CHECK ON YOU GUYS TO MAKE SURE YOU ARE ABLE TO DEAL WITH YOUR (HASHTAG) NOD.

2015 IS THE LAST YEAR OF JEFF GORDON RACING IN NASCAR. THIS IS A PROBLEM WE ALL HAVE TO FACE. HE’S BEEN IN THE SPORT FOR A LONG TIME AND HIS ABSENCE IS ONLY GOING TO TIGHTEN THE GRIP (HASHTAG) NOD HAS ON US. ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, HIS STUFF WILL PROBABLY GO ON CLEARANCE IN THE NASCAR SUPERSTORE AND THE FANATICS TENTS THAT CAN BE FOUND AT NASCAR RACES (THEY REPLACED THE SOUVENIER HAULERS THAT MOST PEOPLE LOVED. PERSONALLY, I LIKE THE TENTS). MUCH LIKE EL NIŇO, THIS BOUT OF (HASHTAG) NOD IS GOING TO BE STRONG. THE UPCOMING HOLIDAY SEASON WILL BE A WELCOMED DISTRACTION, STUFFING OUR FACES WITH TURKEY AND PIE, BUT I WARN YOU ALL OF CHRISTMAS. DO YOU KNOW WHAT NASCAR FANS GET FOR CHRISTMAS? THEY GET NASCAR STUFF. THIS ALONE IS ENOUGH TO SEND YOU IN A TAILSPIN OF EMOTION. PREPARE FOR ANY NASCAR-RELATED GIFTS.

WE ARE ALSO FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO HAVE SOME RACING EVENTS THAT HELP FILL THE NASCAR VOID. THE SNOWBALL DERBY IS ON THURSDAY, DECEMBER 5^th AT 5 FLAGS SPEEDWAY. THE CHILI BOWL NATIONALS IS SCHEDULED FOR JANUARY 12-16, 2016. THIS IS A GREAT EVENT TO WATCH. AND THE 54^th 24 AT DAYTONA IS SLATED FOR JANUARY 30 AND 31, 2016. I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THESE TERRIFIC EVENTS IN NASCAR’S ABSENCE. JANUARY IS ALSO OFFICIALLY/UNOFFICIALLY  “NOD AWARENESS MONTH.”

IN CONCLUSION
IN CONCLUSION, WE’RE ALL GOING TO SUFFER. SOME ARE GOING TO SUFFER MORE THAN OTHERS. BUT I WANT YOU ALL TO REMEMBER ONE THING – YOU ARE NOD ALONE.