ARF INTERVIEWS... JOEY LOGANO

(Queue "Good Vibrations" by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch)

ARF: HELLO, YOU GUYS. WELCOME TO MY (I REALLY DIDN'T INTERVIEW) INTERVIEW. TODAY'S GUEST FINISHED DRIVES THE SHELL PENNZOIL FORD FOR ROGER PENSKE. PLEASE WELCOME JOEY LOGANO.

(Fade music)

ARF: WELCOME, DENNY.

Joey: It’s Joey.

ARF: MY BAD. SO JOEY, TELL ME ABOUT HOW THINGS ARE GOING OVER THERE AT PENSKE. YOU AND BRAD SEEM TO HAVE A GREAT RELATIONSHIP.

Joey: (squints and smiles) Things are going great. Brad and I have a great working relationship. We feed off of each other.

ARF: YOU DO WHAT?

Joey: (squints and smiles) It’s a metaphor, ARF. It means we learn things from each other about racing. We push each other.

ARF: WAIT, WAIT. WHY ARE YOU PUSHING BRAD? I THOUGHT THAT WAS KEVIN HARVICK’S JOB?

Joey: (squints and smiles) That’s funny. I kind of walked into that one, didn’t I.

ARF: YES, YES YOU DID. SO, DENNY, LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.

Joey: It’s Joey, ARF. I’m not Denny.

ARF: SORRY, SORRY. BUT REALLY, LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTON. HOW OLD ARE YOU?

Joey: (squints and smiles) I’m 24, ARF.

ARF: 24? HOLY MOSES, JOEY. YOU’RE GOING BALD. YOU’RE 24 AND YOU’RE GOIND BALD. (points to own head) JOEY, LOOK AT THIS COIF. I’M 35 AND HAVE A BEAUTIFUL HEAD OF HAIR. WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM? DW HAS MORE HAIR THAN YOU.

Joey: (squints and laughs) Thanks, ARF, you sure know how to make a guy feel special.

ARF: I’M A HARD-HITTING JOURNALIST, JOEY. SO LET ME ASK YOU ANOTHER QUESTION. WHAT KIND OF SOCKS ARE YOU WEARING?

Joey: (squints and smiles) Seriously?

ARF: SERIOUSLY.

Joey: (reveals his socks) Plain white socks.

ARF: ARE THOSE QUARTER-LENGTH SOCKS? ARE YOU HAVING AN IDENTITY CRISIS? YOU LOOK LIKE A TOURIST IN LAS VEGAS.

Joey: (squints and smiles) What’s wrong with my socks?

ARF: EVERYTHING. CHECK OUT THESE SOCKS. (shows socks to Joey)

Joey: Dang, ARF, those socks are awesome.

ARF: JOEY, I’M AWESOME. JOEY, I HAVE ONE FINAL QUESTION FOR YOU.

Joey: Shoot.

ARF: (snickers) SO, JOEY. WE KNOW YOU’VE BEEN FAST THIS YEAR AND THAT’S PRETTY COOL. (continues to snicker) TELL ME WHAT IT’S LIKE TO SIT ON SO MANY POLES. (begins to laugh uncontrollably) THAT HAS TO HURT, HAHAHAHA.

Joey: (squints and laughs) You’re an idiot. (throws water in ARF’S face and walks off set)

(ARF’s laughing gets to the point where he passes out, not realizing that Joey had left. Eventually coming to, ARF realizes he also urinated himself from the laughter.)

ARF: WELL, YOU GUYS, I GUESS THAT WRAPS UP TODAY’S INTERVIEW. STAY TUNED FOR THE NEXT INTERVIEW.

(Queue "Good Vibrations")

**PLEASE NOTE THAT I DID NOT REALLY INTERVIEW JOEY LOGANO**

 

NOD PSA'S FROM REAL PEOPLE

FROM GRIFFIN H.

(slow piano music)

There’s a scent you love more than any other. No, not that of a woman, or of your gentleman at his finest hour. You’re thinking of exhaust, rubber, and fried bologna, a combination one is most likely to experience in the NASCAR garage.

But that’s not the case right now. Instead, you’re donning your thickest winter coat, scraping your windshield, and struggling through a snowy drive. The red flag is out, stopping the nine months of fun you just enjoyed. Now, you’re in a period that seems so much longer, so damaging after those 38 weekends of glee.

Face it, friend. You have #NOD. Know this: You are #NOD alone. Millions like you suffer from #NOD every year, and have since 1948. Help is on the way, because it’s January, and the Daytona 500 is next freaking month, you guys. Now, would you like mayonnaise with your bologna?

(engine sound, fans cheering sound)

FROM LAURA H. (NOT RELATED TO GRIFFIN H. DIFFERENT LAST NAMES)

NOD AWARENESS MONTH 2015

IT HAS BEEN A ROUGH MONTH FOR ALL OF US. NASCAR OFFSEASON DISORDER, OR NOD, HIT HARD THIS YEAR. IT HIT ME, TOO. NOD CAUSED ME TO TWEET ABOUT MY TONGUE. MY TONGUE, YOU GUYS. I KNEW I HAD HIT ROCK BOTTOM WITH THAT TWEET. A LOT OF YOU TOOK TO USING THE HASHTAG #NOD WHEN TWEETING ABOUT THE VOID OF NOT HAVING NASCAR IN YOUR LIVES.

JANUARY WAS UNOFFICALLY-OFFICIALLY DUBBED “NOD AWARENESS MONTH.” IT FELT RIGHT TO CHOOSE JANUARY BECAUSE IT IS THE MONTH CLOSEST TO THE RETURN OF NASCAR. BUT IN THE TIME THAT WE DIDN’T HAVE RACING TO TALK ABOUT, TWITTER BECAME A DOCTOR’S OFFICE WAITING ROOM WITH NO MAGAZINES OR ELEVATOR MUSIC. EVEN THE TOP FIVE SUFFERED. ANY SNIFF OF NASCAR NEWS SENT THE TWITTER MASSES SWARMING LIKE PIRHANAS AT THE SMALLEST TASTE OF BLOOD IN THE WATER. IT WAS A TOUGH MONTH, BUT THANKFULLY WE HAD EVENTS LIKE THE CHILI BOWL, THE 24 HOURS OF DAYTONA, AND THE OREGON TRAIL TO TEMPORARILY QUENCH OUR THIRTS OF RACING.

I AM THANKFUL THAT NOD GOT THE EXPOSURE IT DID. WE ALL NEEDED TO KNOW WHAT WE WERE FEELING AFTER HOMESTEAD, AND I WAS PROUD TO DIAGNOSE NOD. MANY OF YOU OFFERED SUGGESTIONS FOR TEMPORARY RELIEF OF NOD. SWEARING UNCONTROLLABLY AND WATCHING OLD RACES ON YOUTUBE WERE JUST A FEW SUGGESTIONS. A GREAT VIDEO PSA WAS MADE. OUR FRIEND, JEFF GLUCK, WAS KIND ENOUGH TO EXPOSE NASCAR FANS TO WHAT THEY WERE FEELING. OF COURSE, THEY WERE FEELING THE SYMPTOMS OF NOD. WE’LL ALL SEE SPRINT CUP CARS ON THE TRACK RELATIVELY SOON AND NOD WILL CEASE TO EXIST

REMEMBER, YOU GUYS, YOU ARE NOD ALONE. BRING ON NASCAR.

-ARF

ARF'S YEAR IN REVIEW

THIS WILL PROBABLY BE MORE THAN 140 CHARACTERS, SO HERE GOES NOTHING.

THE FIRST SIX MONTHS OF THE YEAR, I REALLY DIDN'T EXIST, EXCEPT FOR MY OTHER TWITTER. YES, I HAVE ANOTHER TWITTER THAT NO ONE, WELL MAYBE A COUPLE, KNOW ABOUT. IT WAS THE DARLINGTON RACE THAT I KIND OF GOT MY FIRST TASTE OF HOW COOL TWITTER COULD BE. DALE JR DID HIS "CAPTION THIS" THING, SO I SENT ONE. A COUPLE HOURS LATER, I CHECKED MY TWITTER. I THOUGHT IT WAS WEIRD TO HAVE OVER 20 NOTIFICATIONS. SO AS I SCROLLED THROUGH THEM, I REALIZED MY CAPTION WAS PICKED TO WIN. I WON A DALE JR AUTOGRAPHED SHIRT (WHICH I STILL HAVE AND IT'S IN THE PACKAGE IT WAS SHIPPED IN. THE SHIRT FITS, BTW).

SOME TIME WENT BY BEFORE I WANTED TO CREATE A SEPARATE, OBNOXIOUS, RACING-THEMED TWITTER ACCOUNT. AFTER SOME BRAINSTORMING, I ENDED UP WITH ANNOYING RACE FAN. IT WAS AVAILABLE, I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT. I CREATED IT ON MAY 31ST. THE FIRST COUPLE WEEKS WERE ROUGH. IT'S LIKE I WAS TALKING TO MYSELF. THEN, ONE NIGHT IN EARLY JUNE, I ENDED UP TALKING TO NASCAR WONKA. WE WERE BOTH WATCHING THE GODFATHER. HIS INTEREST IN THE MOVIE PARALLELED MINE. I'M SURE HE THOUGHT, "HUH, THIS ANNOYING RACE FAN GUY IS PRETTY AWESOME. I SHOULD FOLLOW HIM."

NOT LONG AFTER WONKA AND I BONDED OVER THE CORLEONE FAMILY, I GOT FOLLOWED BY CASM, CONE, AND MINI. I SAID TO MYSELF, "SELF, IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?" TO GET A VOTE OF CONFIDENCE FROM NASCARCASM WAS AWESOME. TO GET A SHOUTOUT FROM CONE WAS COOL. TO HAVE THE MINI CHAD SAY, "WELCOME TO TEAM MINI CHAD" WAS NEATO.

AFTER A MONTH OR SO, I HAD ABOUT 200 FOLLOWERS. THAT EXCEEDED MY EXPECTATIONS. EACH WEEK, I PICKED UP ABOUT 100 NEW FOLLOWERS. I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT. TO QUOTE TREVOR BAYNE, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" IT'S HOW I FELT, YOU GUYS.

I AM ENDING THE YEAR (SEVEN MONTHS) WITH JUST OVER 2,500 FOLLOWERS. NOT A BAD WAY TO START THIS THING OUT. ALMOST 17,000 TWEETS, TOO. THAT'S A LOT. SOMETHING I'M NOT VERY PROUD OF. THE LOWLIGHT OF MY TWITTER EXISTENCE WAS WHEN I ASKED (FOR A FRIEND) IF SHE WAS MARRIED. IT DIDN'T GO ACCORDING TO PLAN. SHE PUT ME TO SHAME. I'M GLAD IT HAPPENED EARLY ON AND NOT MORE RECENT. MY HIGHLIGHTS ARE PROBABLY THE TOP FIVE AND THE CHIPOTLE BURRITO I HAD YESTERDAY.

I HAVE TO DECIDE WHAT RACES I WANT TO GO TO IN 2015. ELDORA IS CONFIRMED. MICHIGAN IS 87% CERTAIN, THOUGH I JUST HAVE TO BUY A TICKET. IF ANYONE WANTS TO GIVE ME A FREE TICKET AND ROOM & BOARD FOR A RACE, I'LL BE GAME.

GETTING TO KNOW YOU GUYS HAS PROBABLY BEEN MY BIGGEST HIGHLIGHT. EVEN THOUGH I'M SLIGHTLY ANNOYING AND TYPE IN ALL CAPS, YOU GUYS SEEM TO STICK AROUND. THAT'S PRETTY COOL. SOME OF YOU KNOW ME BETTER THAN OTHERS, BUT HOPEFULLY I GET TO MEET ALL OF YOU ONE DAY. I CAN'T THANK YINZ (Y'ALL) ENOUGH.

2014 ARFY TWITTER AWARDS

LIVE FROM THE WALDARF ARFSTORIA, IT'S THE 2014 ARFY TWITTER AWARDS

ARFY ROOKIE OF THE YEAR: ANNOYING RACE FAN (LOTS OF PEOPLE TOLD ME THIS, SO I GAVE IT TO MYSELF)

THE "THEIR STUFF IS ALWAYS FUNNY" AWARD: CITIZEN KBA

TWITTER NASCAR JOURNALIST OF THE YEAR: JEFF GLUCK (NOT JEFF GLUCK 2, THE NON-NASCAR ACCOUNT)

BEST REDUNDANT JOKE: THE ORANGE CONE FOR HIS TRANNY/TRANSMISSION JOKE

BEST COMMERCIAL DURING NASCAR RACES: THE KID ROCK/CHEVROLET "BOOOOORN FREEEEE" COMMERCIAL

BEST USE OF PHOTOSHOP FOR NASCAR STUFF: NASCARCASM (NASCARCASM ALSO WINS THE AWARD FOR MAKING THE MOST PEOPLE USE THE CRYING LAUGHING EMOJI AND THE AWARD FOR BEST USE OF A CARDBOARD FACE)

THE ARFY HUMANITARIAN AWARD: THE GREEN FLAG

THE "THAT TWEET CAME OUT OF NOWHERE BUT IT WAS HILARIOUS" AWARD: NASCAR WONKA (NASCAR WONKA ALSO WINS THE AWARD FOR DIRECTOR OF INSPECTIONS)

TWEET OF THE YEAR: THE MINI CHAD FOR HIS TMZ SPORTS/NASCAR SUSPENSIONS TWEET (THAT ONE STILL GETS ME)

THE "WTF, REALLY?" AWARD: THE FENCE CLIMBER GUY AT RICHMOND (HONORABLE MENTION GOES TO THE SQUIRREL/CAT AT ATLANTA)

THE NASCAR OFFSEASON DISORDER (NOD) AWARENESS AWARD: MY TWITTER FOLLOWERS FOR HELPING SPREAD THE WORD ABOUT NOD

THE "HE REALLY GOT THOSE HASHTAGS TRENDING DURING THE WEEK" AWARD: THE ORANGE CONE

THE "BEST FOOD" AWARD: DEVILED EGGS/PUMPKIN PIE (TIE)

THE "BEST ACCOUNT NAMED NASCAR MEMES" AWARD: NASCAR MEMES

THE "BEST PARODY ACCOUNT OF A DRIVER'S TEMPER" AWARD: KURT'S TEMPER

FIGHT OF THE YEAR: THE NOVEMBER TEXAS RACE

RACE OF THE YEAR: HOMESTEAD-MIAMI

BEST EMPIRE: P MENARD EMPIRE

THE "THAT WAS A PRETTY COOL MOMENT" AWARD: AJ ALLMENDINGER WINNING AT WATKINS GLEN/DALE JR WINNING AT MARTINSVILLE (TIE)

THE "IF YOU ARGUE WITH HIM, YOU'LL LOSE" AWARD: THE ORANGE CONE

THE "GRAPE TIC TACS ARE GOOD" AWARD: JON WOOD

BEST HAIR: ANNOYING RACE FAN (HONORABLE MENTION GOES TO RYAN EVERSLEY AND LANDON CASSILL)


AND THE AWARD FOR BEST TWITTERER IS...

NASCAR OFFSEASON DISORDER: THE FAQ'S

ALL ABOUT NOD


WHAT IS #NOD, OR NASCAR OFFSEASON DISORDER?
IT IS A LACK OF NASCAR ON TV. NO OTHER DESCRIPTION IS NECESSARY.

WHAT ARE THE SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS OF NOD?
- INCOHERENT TWEETS WITH THE HASHTAG OF NASCAR
- SCROLLING THROUGH THE TV CHANNELS TO HOPEFULLY FIND SOME NASCAR
- DOING DAILY TASKS THAT INADVERTENTLY MIMIC NASCAR RACES (i.e. "GETTING THE GROCERIES 500")
- WEARING A FULL-FACE HELMET TO USE THE BATHROOM
- INSTALLING A WINDOW NET IN YOUR TOYOTA COROLLA
- IT MUST BE NOTED THAT NOD MAY ALSO MIMIC REAL-LIFE ILLNESS SYMPTOMS. (STAYING IN BED, CRYING, UNCONTROLLABLE SHAKES, FEVER)

WHAT CAUSES NOD?
THE NASCAR SEASON ENDS IN NOVEMBER AND DOES NOT BEGIN UNTIL FEBRUARY. THAT IS BASICALLY THREE MONTHS OF NO NASCAR. FANS OF NASCAR HAVE NOTHING TO DO. THEY ARE BASICALLY LEFT WITH A VOID IN THEIR LIVES. THE HOLIDAY SEASON (THANKSGIVING, CHRISTMAS, NEW YEAR'S) IS A TEMPORARY FIX TO AN OTHERWISE LONG OFFSEASON.

WHO CAN DIAGNOSE NOD?
ONLY CERTIFIED NODISTICIANS CAN DIAGNOSE NOD. AT THE FOREFRONT, ANNOYING RACE FAN (ARF) IS ONE THAT CAN DIAGNOSE CASES OF NOD.

ARE THERE ANY CURES FOR NOD?
AT THIS TIME, THERE ARE NO KNOWN CURES FOR NOD. READING ABOUT NASCAR THROUGH THE MEDIA AND SOCIAL MEDIA CAN TEMPORARILY RELIEVE NOD. WATCHING OLD NASCAR RACES VIA YOUTUBE MAY ALSO HELP ON A TEMPORARY BASIS. ONLY HAVING A NEW NASCAR SEASON CAN FIX NOD ON A LONG-TERM BASIS.

ARE THERE NOD SUPPORT GROUPS?
YES. TWITTER IS A GREAT SUPPORT GROUP FOR THOSE SUFFERING FROM NOD. PLEASE VISIT HTTP://WWW.TWITTER.COM TO LEARN MORE.

ARF PREDICTS: FORD ECOBOOST 400

400 MILES, 267 LAPS

I PREDICT THAT:

- THE FIRST CAUTION WILL HAPPEN AT LAP 47 (AMBROSE HITS THE WALL. LEAVES FOR AUSTRALIA A BIT EARLIER THAN EXPECTED)

- KYLE BUSCH WILL BLOW A TRANNY, JUST LIKE THE ORANGE CONE DID IN COLLEGE. BUT IN HIS DEFENSE, HE WAS DRUNK. BOTH TIMES.

- RYAN NEWMAN WILL GO A LAP DOWN ON A SLOW PIT STOP (DROPPED LUGNUT)

- JIMMIE JOHNSON WILL LEAD THE MOST LAPS BUT WILL SUFFER A LATE SPEEDING PENALTY

- BRAD KESELOWSKI WILL PISS OFF SOMEONE

- THERE WILL BE TWO B.S. CAUTIONS

- DANICA GOES A LAP DOWN EARLY. GETS IT BACK. GOES DOWN A LAP AGAIN.

- BK RACING WILL HAVE TWO SOLID, TOP 40 RUNS

- DALE JR WILL FINISH FOURTH IN HIS FINAL RACE WITH JEFF GORDON'S OLD CREW CHIEF

- IT WILL NOT RAIN

- RUSTY WALLACE WILL SAY "FLAT FLYIN"

- TONY STEWART WILL FINISH IN THE TOP 10

- JEFF GORDON WILL TRY AND FIGHT RYAN NEWMAN

- JOEY LOGANO'S HAIRLINE WILL RECEDE EVEN MORE

- BRAD KESELOWSKI WILL WIN THE RACE

- DENNY HAMLIN WILL BE THE CHAMP