ARF INTERVIEWS MATT KENSETH

(Queue "Good Vibrations" by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch)

ARF: HELLO, YOU GUYS. WELCOME TO MY (I REALLY DIDN'T INTERVIEW) INTERVIEW. TODAY'S GUEST DRIVES THE DOLLAR GENERAL TOYOTA FOR JOE GIBBS RACING. PLEASE WELCOME MY DEAR FRIEND MATTHEW KENSETH.

(Fade music)

ARF: WELCOME, MATT.

(ARF goes to hug Matt, Matt stiff-arms ARF)

ARF: PLEASE, SIT DOWN OLD FRIEND.

(Matt sits)

Matt: We’re not friends. I’ve never met you before.

ARF: WE ARE SO FRIENDS. REMEMBER VICTORY LANE AT MICHIGAN?

(ARF shows Matt images from Michigan victory lane)

Matt: I don’t remember you.

ARF: DO YOU REMEMBER WINNING?

Matt: Yes.

ARF: THEN YOU REMEMBER ME. MY RED CONFETTI, THE CONFETTI I SHOT OFF IN VICTORY LANE, ENDED UP ON YOUR CAR.

Matt: Whatever.

ARF: SO, IT WAS NICE OF NASCAR TO GIVE YOU A COUPLE WEEKS OFF, HUH?

Matt:  No comment. I came here to talk about driving the Dollar General Toyota Camry.

ARF: IT LOOKS LIKE ERIK JONES IS DRIVING IT NOW.

Matt: You’re an idiot.

ARF: SORRY. HEY, MATT, REMEMBER THE PICTURE OF US WITH MISS SPRINT CUP IN VICTORY LANE AT MICHIGAN?

Matt: No.

ARF: COME ON. IT WAS THE PICTURE OF US THREE. WE WERE ALL SO HAPPY TOGETHER.

Matt: I don’t remember at all. Why am I still here? This is so dumb.

ARF: SOMEONE GET THE VICTORY LANE PICTURE AND SHOW IT TO MATT.

(ARF’s assistant shows picture to Matt)

Matt: Okay.

ARF: IS THAT YOU?

Matt: Yes.

ARF: IS THAT MISS SPRINT CUP?

Matt: Yes.

ARF: IS THAT ME WITH THE ARROW?

Matt: I can’t tell.

(Matt farts)

ARF: DID YOU JUST… DID YOU JUST FART?

Matt: I…I don’t remember.

ARF: DO YOU REMEMBER MARTINSVILLE?

Matt: Haha, yeah.

ARF: I HAVE AN IMPERSONATION FOR YOU, MATT.

(ARF sips a Coca-Cola. Squints and smiles.)

ARF: WHO AM I?

Matt: (chuckles) Joey Logano.

ARF: RIGHT! DID I JUST MAKE YOU LAUGH?

Matt: I don’t remember.

ARF: YOU LAUGHED. ADMIT IT.

Matt: Okay, I kind of did.

ARF: YES! HIGH FIVE, BUDDY!

(ARF and Matt high five)

ARF: ARE WE FRIENDS?

Matt: Yeah, I guess.

ARF: I KNEW YOU’D COME AROUND, BUDDY. WANNA GO EAT SOME DONUTS?

Matt: You like donuts, too?

ARF: UH, YEAH!

Matt: AWESOME! I’M DRIVING!

ARF: BEST DAY EVER! THANKS FOR TUNING IN TO MY INTERVIEW, YOU GUYS. I’LL TALK TO YOU LATER!

(ARF and Matt leave, laughing heartily as they exit the stage)

(Queue "Good Vibrations")

**PLEASE NOTE THAT I DID NOT REALLY INTERVIEW MATT KENSETH**